Shirt Tales

Gentle readers:

While freed from the strictures of work attire, everyday I try to dress up like different characters to reflect my current mood. After years of battling with oniomania (i.e., compulsive shopping), I have amassed a respectable collection of shirts and blousons which I regularly put to use even for quotidian tasks such as dropping off dry cleaning or getting my soy latte fix. The trouble with having an almost encyclopedic knowledge of fashion is that I always find myself in areas of dressing wherein I am fondly referred to as an eccentric or sometimes just plain weird. Yesterday, I was a Victorian harlot in shredded and unhemmed Lanvin. Today I am channeling a Depression-era guttersnipe in distressed Demeulemeester. I must remind you dear readers that these are tough looks to pull off. When trying out derelict looks, in order too differentiate yourself from the real thing, you must be immaculately groomed and perfumed. Otherwise, you risk running afoul of simple-minded door bitches whose fashion knowhow only extends to high street brands. (Newsflash: Topshop is NOT high fashion!) I think it would be much better to start you off with a more basic diet of classics.

There is this item of clothing which to me is the equivalent of the little black dress and that is the white dress shirt. I usually treat it like a palate cleanser to break the monotony of the strange. I'm quite sure even Lady Gaga herself has days (albeit undocumented) wherein she is just wearing a plain tee. Sometimes I wear my favorite white shirt to reclaim my place in the brotherhood of fashionable laymen--a reminder of normalcy and the need to be understood by the majority. And yes, I daresay, anyone (the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker) can look good in a white dress shirt provided you follow my simple rules:

1. The key to white is simplicity. No fancy piping or colored stitching. Long sleeved, no 3/4 length please! French-cuffed or barrel-, it doesn't matter. Keep collars basic: spread, semispread, straight point or button down. (Absolutely NO disco collars!)

2. Cotton is the only acceptable fabric. If you can afford it, choose a high thread count. If you see the dreaded polyester or polyblend on the label, run for cover! If the fabric shines, then it's only good for curtains.

3. It should fit perfectly. I understand that not everyone can afford bespoke Charvets so go ahead and buy retail (I have been known to visit H&M on occassion). The important thing is to bring it to a tailor before wearing it. Chances are, unless you are one of the lucky 0.00001% who have sample size bodies, there is bound to be some adjustments needed for your shirt to fit well. The shirt should skim your torso. Sleeve length should stop where your wrists end and your hand begins. The shoulders seams should not droop over the shoulder. When the top button is done, you should be able to fit one finger between collar and your neck. If two fingers fit, collar's too big. If there is neck fat spillage, get a sharp knife and trim away that pound of flesh. (Just kidding!)

4. You are free to unbutton as many buttons in front as you wish provided you have a body to back it up and you don't plan on entering a place of worship. When in doubt, go for coverage. Button up cuffs under a suit, unbutton to roll up, as you wish.

5. Go ahead and wear your white dress shirt with a suit, with or without a tie, with jeans of varying fit and washes, khakis, shorts of all lengths, pajama pants, MC Hammer pants, cords, studded leather pants, kilts, knock yourself out.

6. On the great undershirt debate: to wear or not to wear? Personally, I hate undershirts. I hate seeing crewnecks peeping out of unbuttoned shirts. ESPECIALLY if they are non-white.

7. Finally, if you are like me and you have radioactive sweat that has turned many a white collar yellow, buy stain remover and apply as soon as you take off your shirt. And please, NEVER EVER re-use a white shirt. A white shirt should be clean, crisp and fresh smelling when you put it on.

Now enough about the joys of conformity, we're back to regular programming. You see, I have this semi-diaphanous Hussein Chalayan kurta-inspired shirt which I haven't really worn yet...


Primrose Patty

Lanvin
Ann Demeulemeester
Hussein Chalayan